Passion Fruit

Desires know no bounds. They slowly crawl into your life and before you know it engulfs your entire persona and governs the life’s action. Such was the intensity of desire that moved two such souls being drifted apart by the vagaries of fortune. So it was but natural that when they crossed the hurdles being thrown at them by life they were nothing but eager to find love & peace in each other’s embrace.

For all the raw passion & the sea of emotions that were causing turmoil deep within the reaches of their heart they put on an expert show of defiance in front of each other. However such a façade falls apart when each one can see through the veil of normalcy for they know each other too well. They have known each other only over a period spanning a few months but it seems like ages especially when most of the moments are spent in the solitude bereft of each other’s company. Now they stand only a body length from each other but it seems that even this distance seems hard to bear. It is evening and it has gone a little dark, a gentle breeze blows across but it seems strong enough to sweep both of them off their feet & throw them into each other’s arms. They take small hesitant steps towards each other but with every step the distance only seems to grow greater. It defies all the logic and rationale that they have imbibed over the period of a lifetime for they can’t seem to put in place what they feel for each other. The feeling is so intense, so passionate, so heartfelt that no words in the world can seem to do justice. They approach each other & stare into each other’s souls and whisper a song of love, of happiness, of grief, of passion, of pain, of their longing for each other. Their lips tremble and long to feel the sensation that they have longed for ages now. Small droplets of rain suddenly seem to grace the moment & break the bridge of silence as they exchange a free spirited smile & without uttering another word they bury themselves in each other embrace. Their arms start tracing out the silhouette of their bodies which is now mildly wet because of the rain which has got a little heavier. They start to feel the intense desire rising through them as they look at each other in embrace & then through the maze of raindrops they start to kiss each other with all the longing & the desire which has separated them over time. It seems like a culmination of all things good & bad that makes the Universe go round for the Universe for them doesn’t extend beyond each other.  

The Mortal Fear of Initiation

Why is there such a Mortal Fear within me to start of something new? The more I think about it the more I keep on conjecturing about it, pondering about it, weighing the pros and cons rather than acting on it. I have a lot of self doubts within me & sometimes they tend to weigh me down. Am I really as good at something as others make me feel or is it just a self delusion that I am dwelling in? It seems like a Bubble some kind of Utopian world that I have created for myself within the realms of which I am happy & content. To say the Truth maybe I am really scared of moving out of this island paradise of mine in which I am appreciated & everyone around me thinks that I have a lot of Potential when it comes to certain aspects of my Life. It is like a promising Artist, a budding young talent in whom everyone pins a lot of faith & hope that they will become great one day but when they do start on their journey some of them just fade into oblivion. Some because of a lack of Self Belief, Some in the face of competition from their contemporaries & others because they lack the strength of will & determination required to succeed. Strangely I believe I am susceptible to all the aforesaid shortcomings & also the biggest drawback of all the conviction to start onto something that gives your life some meaning, something which makes you believe that you may be actually be onto something big. I strangely feel jealous of some of my friends who inspite of their Hardships in life are still struggling to find a purpose, a defining objective which lends some purpose to their otherwise mundane life. These are the sort of people who I might be scornful of because I feel that Life is all about Planning & Organizing your  Goals & they are guilty of not adhering to it but deep inside if I am truthful to myself I crave to do the same. I feel like Breaking Free of the Self Imposed Shackles that I have tied around my life & do something that I feel I may be way better than many of the populace. So What is it exactly that gives me a pause? Is it because I dont have the conviction to do something New as I have always been used to a disciplined & Organized chain of thought or Maybe Because I am an escapist running away from it under the false pretense of an overtly demanding schedule or maybe I am deluding myself into believing that I am content with my current State & pace of Life which does not demand much out of me. I believe it is an Amalgamation of all the factors & maybe a Few more which I am yet to be aware of. I strongly feel at times that I am too much of an idealist who believes a lot of theorizing rather than get down to the act of getting my hands dirty & actually get the job done. Someone who would sit at the Shore wondering in amazement at the raging Storm than actually taking the Boat docked on the Shore and brave the Storm just for the heck of exploring what lies beyond it. Maybe it is about time that I put on my armor, sharpen my Battle Axe & dive into the Heat of Battle rather than sitting comfortably in the Tent & Strategize about it.

...................................................XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX..............................................   

My Comrade!!

He is like a tyrant waving a naked sword destroying & pillaging everything that stands in the way.I admire the tyrant though at times amid the mass of the carnage that has unfolded lie some assets which that individual might have held close to his heart.The tyrant feels no pity or remorse for the battle has been won even if the victor has become the vanquished.I would like to bow to thy highness & hold him in my arms for he was once a comrade but I cant manage to do it for I am unable to get on my feet as they have been amputated,cant hold him in my arms for they have been severed,try to call out to him hor help but I'm afraid he is already surrounded by a mass of people inaudible to my pleas..Therefore I stay waiting for death to come & just hope to the heavens that they grant my last wish.Sweeter the Death shall be if it comes at the hands of my Comrade who shall end the agony by thrusting his dagger deep into the heart if he hasnt already done so.I remember the happier times when we were just two soldiers on the battlefield facing hordes of enemies marching towards us.We had fear but having each other somehow made that feeling to ebb away.At times he would fall down from his horse albeit with his characteristic confidence & when I would come by his side to help he would tell me only the adventurous are capable of doing so.I would often ponder if I have been too cautious in my life's battle & wether I should be prone to such exigencies as well.We often ventured into the woods in search of unexplored worlds & unearthed treausures.He was always the one to lead the way never satisfied at the prospect of staying stagnant at a place for too long.His journey took to him to places where few have dared to tread.With the passage of time the Soldier,my comrade had already grown into a fine Prince growing ever so emboldened with his conquests.He would become scornful of the petty weakness & shortcomings of people around him and become critical of them in a way commensurate of descendants of royal stature.There was nothing or nobody to question his authority for he was bereft of any persuasion which appealed to the emotional qualms of his nature.At times in a fit of drunken revelry he would become vulnerable to emotional frailties himself but these were minor aberrattions which descendants of royality are known to indulge in & to be forgotten by the masses not to be ever brought up again.Through all these times I had been a silent observer only to witness,accompany & support but never to be judgemental for that was sacrilege.On one of his journies to distant lands the Prince would come across a damsel whom he were to rescue from the dungeons of solitary confinement & become a prisoner to one of the frailties he had despised.However he was allowed such trespasses for he was a Prince soon to become King now that he had now found a Princess for his Kingdom.He would soon be encumbered with responsibilities of his Kingdom,his Family & his continual quest for power & self Gratification & his Comrades would become a thing of the past fading into oblivion,some were to die in the battlefield fighting,some to just waste away but all of them had tried to be a part of his cause & had his name on their lips when they shed their mortal souls for heavenly abode.

The Unfolding Experience

Somewhere there was a strange kind of emptiness engulfing me all the time. I sometimes felt like a bird entangled in a kite string. There was a pain inside but no emotion to name it. There was unrest in the mind and a futility in the body. At times it felt as if all of reality was staring blankly, straight into my eyes.
This void did not seem to be caused by external circumstances. It seemed to emerge from somewhere deep inside me. Everything appeared very limited and measurable. There were days that made me question how we were born, how our life gets conditioned, how we struggle, compare, compete and one day vanish. Just like that! We strive for degrees, jobs, relationships, money, name and fame, and then one day we die. The whole of existence dissolving into the silence of space. An ever-changing insecurity: an uncertainty where every moment is only a transition point only for another to take its place. How are we supposed to live like this? Where do we ultimately go?
As time passed, these questions became so irrepressible that I could see only two paths ahead of me. Either I go into this in a radical way and examine myself as sincerely as possible. Or follow the second path – death. There really was no other way. No escape. For now I had started seeing how I had escaped for the past twenty - five years of my life. I had used up all the emergency exits by now. I had experimented with a few extremes in my life and everywhere I had hit a wall. So now the only place left for me to go was within.
Somewhere, my faith in life had still not left me. There was a part of me that believed that life is fair. That was the foundation of my journey from the known to the nameless. I thought that if life was really fair, then we are not supposed to go through even a trace of suffering. We should be equipped with all that we need to live a life that is absolutely happy and peaceful, that is good for us and good for others.
In the period that followed, the inquiry only got more intense. There was an unknown force fuelling my search. I was travelling to places within myself that were never visited before. I felt that for the first time in my life, I was looking at the naked beauty of my soul.
In this time, silence helped. There is something deeply sacred about silence. I felt that when I was truly alone, I was one with all.
Obviously, this pilgrimage within oneself is endless. But I started feeling awake than ever before. And a day came, when it felt like the heart broke open. Something totally illogical came over me. I felt like I was holding on to the moment like a butterfly in my fist. Slowly the fingers uncurled and the moment fluttered away like a colourful bird into a free sky.
Most things that I had done in my life were all measurable and calculated. Almost everything was only to benefit myself. But now I had to do the exact opposite and see what happened. I wanted to be illogical and unreasonable. And the most illogical thing I could do was give without getting anything in return. It was like setting free irrational acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty into this world. It was like writing poetry in the prose of life. It was like allowing the inner universe to dance.
Now, love was no more a temporary sense of pleasure or comfort. Love was emptying my entire being – and offering the whole of myself. It was breaking open every barrier in the heart so that generosity could flow. I realised that the only way for me to make myself complete was to share with others unconditionally. In this fine tapestry of life, all strands are entwined to each other. In the larger whole our lives are intrinsically connected, and in order for me to be truly happy I have to serve those who are suffering.

Significance of Relationships

I have a friend I am extremely close to. Our relationship spans more than a decade. Strangely, serious differences developed with him. Not that I had never argued with him before. As with all close ties, we too had had our fair share of conflicts and heated debates. But our bonds of Friendship had always held firm, surviving everything. Our estrangement never lasted beyond a few days; in fact, we always came back closer after every estrangement, feeling more for the other not less. The argument I had with him was the worst ever. Close friendship, as much as it comforts and pleases, also makes one vulnerable. We hurt each other in those areas where we knew the other was most sensitive. For the first time in twelve years I found the very foundation of the relationship wobbly. I doubted in all earnestness whether he was my well- wisher at all; he too thought that perhaps the friendship had run its course and it was time to bid adieu. We switched off.
Then I read true stories of people who had lost a love, allowed a relationship to go sour, all over silly ego issues, misunderunstandings that a lack of communication and priorities made appear worse than they were. I also read about mistakes which cost one dearly and the feeling of guilt and remorse that never quite left. I read about understanding and self realisation, about courage and heroism, generosity and kindness – at times from complete strangers – and about forgiveness and its healing power both for the forgiven as well as the forgiving. I understood that life truly is what we make of it! Most importantly, I learnt that in the end it is not about how much money one makes, how much fame one achieves, how much beautiful or handsome one is – it is about how much love one can give and receive; it is about the kind of relationship one has with oneself and others....I understood how big life is and how small I had become in my vision of life, of others even of myself.

About Friendship

The word “Friendship” is a yet confusing terminology. I am yet to come to terms with the sort of relationship it signifies between two Individuals. At times it seems to be the single most important facet of a person’s life while at other times it simply fades into oblivion in the shadow of other important ones. I have been drawn into the lure of the same relation time & again only to increase the expectations from it & have been disappointed by it every time. The relation signified by it is definitely time bound as the other party to the relation always seems to be moving to greener pastures while I am hopelessly stuck at the same place as if frozen by the series of events unfolding in front of me. It is for me to understand that a friend is a stop gap arrangement to fill in certain voids of an individual’s life not a permanent association.
Nowadays I spent hours at stretch within the confines of these walls devoid of any human presence. The silence does different things to me at different periods of the day. During the mornings I feel a sense of purpose owing to the workout at the Gym which seems to fade away as soon as I return home. The hours leading up to afternoon pass by somewhat comfortably reading the morning papers & listening to music. The evenings by far are the hardest time of the day to endure as it drudges along at a snail’s pace. Night brings along with it a climax to another day’s proceedings fettered away in silence.

About Love

Now the thing about love, at least the kind I understand, is this: it simply cannot be searched for, no matter how diligently the strategy and plan are chalked out. It has to happen on its own – infrequently, unpredictably and illogically. Admittedly many have found love through some sort of arranged meeting.
Why is there such a mortal fear of being single? It’s not as half as bad as it is made out to be. The single person has many satisfying relationships. One’s relationship with work is nothing if not passionate, steadfast and intimate. Work is the one thing in life that gives you back what you give it. It’s pulsating and alive and although filled with huge highs and lows. Never does it leave you empty and undone. A project hardly ever fills you with abiding sorrow, even when it isn’t a success. You put your heart into it, and in turn, it will always remain yours. Nonetheless, what can be tiring in this elemental relationship is that one has to continuously sell one’s wares. That’s a considerable pressure and often debilitating to the spirit. But for low times, there are friends! Funny, Patient, Generous, friends are extended family. Free to fight, free to gossip, free to embrace and free to fail. It’s so liberating, it’s as if, with all your awkwardness and ineptness, you fall back into a soft bed to allow yourself to stare at nothing. Oh single world, whatever else, thou art certainly not one dimensional!
So, single though I am, I hardly am bored, and have never felt sorry for myself. Therein lies the secret. If romance walks through the door someday, it will be welcomed. Not because I’ll be waiting, sad and lonely ready to fling myself at Cupid’s feet, in tearful Gratitude. But because, all loves are welcome. All loves are life. And not all lives have to walk down the regular road to be considered full.